“I slept and I dreamed that life is all joy. I woke and I saw that life is all service. I served and I saw that service is joy.”

-Kahlil Gibran

My anorexia started in grade school when my friends were acknowledging how repulisve school food was. Recokoning that they should bring their own food; some did. However, some of my friends avoided the servings all together. Anorexia for me started off as a game, I began skipping meals and sparsely eating after school. It felt normal to me, I had never felt that level of control.

This power of owning my body and it’s dim agency. I fasted continously-getting dizzy… Feeling pangs of pain in the periods-to-the- amount where I couldn’t play in recess.

One of the school aids vigilantly notice this behavior and advised my father. She began watching me in the serving sessions, whaling for me to eat, and I did that for awhile, but receded after grade school. I would time myself for how long I could fast. How much could I linger? (1 hour, 2 hours, 3 hours). The effects were ever ingrained:

I was cold all the time and never knew why.

The funny thing is, I didn’t dislike food, rather I WANTED TO FEEL WHOLE; this pain made me feel present…

I started combating my anorexia when I was in high school; I embarked to therapy for what I thought was clinical depression. However, after indirectly addressing my disorder, my therapist caught on and warned me of its dangers.

Yet, I tried to suppress it, denying the harsh truth that I was anorexic. Being a slim person, I thought I had an advantage; society always shamed those who didn’t the fit the quo. Every woman in the magazines in the 2000s was thin and lively, I had no match, only martyr. Having another moment of lethary; I capitulated.

My therapist was right…

I tried eating consistently, but it was difficult, I just didn’t have the motivation. But I couldn’t let it continue…

We had hope.

My therapist and I developed a new strategy. One of the strategies was developing safe foods. In the months following my graduation, we decided to go on antidepressants. I was anxious, there was so much doubt. Many people discouraged me, telling me that I would be addicted to the medications. But this was too important to me, I knew I deserved better. In the following weeks my eating improved and I had this burst of energy, a new appreciation for life!

Food finally meant something joyful… it was no longer a horrid chore. I was eager to continue this diet, but then there was a shift–as it became second nature to grab a meal…I was reminded of a pernicious allergy. Wheat . All of a sudden my life revolved again, I had this drive to eat, but I fell into the maze of sulked commodity. Yet we weren’t going to give up. In a mire of research, I regained a steady diet.

2021, marks two years of remission.

To those who are struggling with eating, I want you to know… it’s okay to be scared, it’s okay to feel unworthy-in the times where we are misunderstood. Despite of the fears-continue-eating. It’s tough, but I believe you can get through it. But whatever you do: DON’T HEAL ON YOUR OWN– get support! Because you are as worthy as anyone else.

“Winter Girls” is one book that inspired me to break the habit. Anorexia doesn’t just effect you, it effects those who care about you. Find the mirth that exist in you, it’s there somewhere waiting to be accepted. I love you and I wish the best, take care and see you soon.

-Glory